I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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