I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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