Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
