I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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