just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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