Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize