Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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