i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
