I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
