Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
