i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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