he puts the penis in happiness.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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