I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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