I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize