People with herpes should wear stickers.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
