margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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