and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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