420 ftw
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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