if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
