So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
