halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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