my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
