actually, I'm a sock model
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
