I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
