I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
