i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
