Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
