i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
