you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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