I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize