i was born a porn star she said
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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