I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
even my farts smell like vagina
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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