You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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