i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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