I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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