dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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