you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
