I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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