I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i love accidental penises.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
