I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
