i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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