we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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