Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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