in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
