we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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