I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
