The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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