DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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