I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize