I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
