Banned from zoo.
Again?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
