we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
