I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
