im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
