I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
