I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
