My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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